Saturday, October 09, 2004
For those who've been keeping up, some damn rooster took up residence
outside our bedroom window in Yangshuo. 5:30am he'd be up, quackling
every 10 seconds or so. Rest for a while, back at it. ALL DAY!! To say
it annoyed us would be a hell of an understatement. The morning
Rachelle threw a chair at the wall and shrieked like a Wailing Tree I
knew it was time to take action. Once I calmed Rachelle down, I
clothed my feet and went outside, where I realized that I'd forgotten
my pants. As roosters are notorious pranksters (they love 'pantsing
people) I returned to the room for my pants and fowl proof belt.
It was dark, as the sun had yet to crest the limestone horizon. Dank,
smelling of molting fowl and congealing poop (yes it's disgusting, but
that's not my fault! I am reporting the facts as I see them). My eyes
slowly adjusted, taking full advantage of the crackling neon signs
streetside. No sign of the fowl beast. A feather fluttered down just
askance my brow. I froze, knowing their eyesight is keenest in failing
or growing light. Too late, I'd been spotted.
One two three four I declare all out war
The corner of my eye caught his movement atop the balcony to my right.
My god! With the speed of a gazelle being pursuited by a jaguar and
the agility of a chimpanzee chasing a...banana, my heart froze when I
realized there would be no catching him! Whirling back towards the
street, I saw my escape route blocked by his flock of chickadees,
hatred and malice in their eyes! Was that a glimmer of hope at being
freed of his grasping claws? Time would tell.
Settling in for war, I faced him again. Only to be plocked in the face
with fowl feces. If you've never experienced, don't. It's bad. Juju
(some BD Boy just offered a crowd member [it's a live album] some of
his chest hair. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these guys and
how ca...never mind)
Now I was irate. To show my scorn for his putrescence, I wiped off the
stenching poo and reapplied some to my cheeks as war paint. This made
his stutter step, but only for a second. He came right at me, wings
aflapping and claws a grasping! I ducked, and he chunked off the wall
behind me (no, roosters are not known for their intelligence)! Seizing
this opportunity, I grasped his head in one hand and ducked his
reeking body under my reeking armpit and.....pop goes the weasel! Down
for the count. I dropped body and severed head to the damp gravel, and
turned to face the flock. Ow! Damn rooster beak in my calf, body
flappin' and clawin' at my arse! I forgot about the headless chicken
routine! Running around, I waited the final gasp.....he was done.
Striding to the mouth of the alley, the hens parted way for me. I
stopped amidst them, alerted them to their new freedom, and we all
clicked down the street, arm in wing into the rising sun, ready for
the new days and adventures ahead of us!
It only took a block for me to remember that I am no rooster, but a
human guy whose place in no way could be considered the inside of a
hen house. Though I loved the attention, my place is with people and
my girlfriend. Leaving their sad eyes (they would have been crying but
chickens have no tear ducts. What purpose would that serve? Silly
goose! I mean chicken!) to gaze at my rump (oh sweet irony!!), I
returned to Rachelle.
She mentioned a racket in the alley and the ensuing lack of crowing. I
beamed, awaiting her praise. Instead all I got was: "you stink worse
than before! Take a shower!" Pride wounded, bleeding from my sores, I
ran back out to my hens!! Alas, they had already taken up with the
owner of the hotel.
Don't read my blogs. They are meaningless drivel. Just wait until this
cold is gone, my head gets back to 'working', and I stop sleeping
again. Then the fun will begin.
Wish us luck on this bus ride!!