Jimspeak

I know, I've been way too lax on reporting every mundane detail of my unemployed life in the Chicago suburbs. There are some good stories from last weekend's wedding but I'll get to that tomorrow.

Tonight it's the events of the last 30 minutes that need to be reported. I went for my late night Sexy Flanders fog walk (yes, I looked damn sexy in my dirty jeans and ripped flannel. And there was fog), and for the most part it was great. I found myself cruising down one of the streets of my childhood (how's that for cheeseball?), lost in my 'thoughts', Trace Adkins crankin' out "Rough and Ready" in my ears, my stubby little legs (thanks to the wedding last weekend I now have a complex. I'll explain tomorrow) pumping at ~6,000RPMs, oblivious to my surroundings. Which is how I found myself with a close up view of the upended ass-end of a skunk. Tail lifted. Scared/pissed off little wanna be raccoon. My inertia may not be much, but a change of direction may not have been quick enough in coming to avoid the noxious fine mist spray emitting from whatever demonic little crevice them damn things spray it from. Walking quickly became my version of a tomato soup bath, but it weren't enough.

24-hour convenience stores are great for many reasons; tonight was the first instance in my life I thanked the gods in the trees for the tomato soup contained inside the White Hen Pantry on Fairview Avenue in good ole' Downers Grove, IL. The clerk's face insinuated the overwhelming need his guts were feeling to evacuate the chili dog I saw him polish off as I walked in the door. It also spoke volumes as to the amount of fine spray shit mist I was unable to avoid.

Recipe for an anti-skunk bath:

13 mega-sized cans (don't you just love a baker's dozen? What can't they count like the rest of us?) of tomato soup
Celery
Salt
Pepper
Tabasco
1/5 of Vodka
4-pack of Guinness

Don't worry, all will become clear in time.

Mix ingredients in a bath tub, stir. Slowly lower body into the mix wearing nothing but a body-wrapping hair net. Shiver and shake in the cold oozing sludge for 10 minutes. Withdraw straw from....and take a sip. If not spicy enough add more cowbe...tabasco.

Whoofdoo. Not a pleasant concoction in which to bathe. And FYI-whoever the hell suggested that as a fine way to eliminate the eau de skoonk had one hell of a sense of humor. Not only does the soup exacerbate the smell, but the tub gets stained and so does the carpet if you're not careful.

Screw it. I'm sleeping outside tonight

Tell me again when I get to leave and become worldly? Less than a week...