Thursday, July 08, 2004
I’ve decided that this Christmas idea terrifies me. Here’s why:
Let’s ignore the commercialism that has superceded the original reason for being decadent (Christ’s supposed birth) and the sterility that has been forced upon the holiday.
What is the ‘pagan’ holiday? Santa Clause (aka-Kris Kringle, Sinter Claus, etc) brings toys and happiness to all the girls and boys in the world. Spreading messages of peace, love, harmony, blah blah blah. Let’s explore in depth:
Who makes all the toys? The elves. Might this be the original sweat shop? How are they compensated for their efforts? They have to be slaves-why else would they be in the North Pole.
Who pulls and guides the sleigh? The reindeer. Why hasn’t PETA stepped up yet on this issue? A wild animal forced into indentured servitude? That ain’t right.
What does Santa do? Not much.
He spies on people all year (anyone remember the Commie scare and J. Edgar Hoover?) deciding who has been good and who has been bad, essentially forcing his value system (which doesn’t seem so high) on the rest of the world. Not to mention the fact that he is peeking into your window seeing who knows what. Maybe he bases a kid’s goodness based on his parents’ proclivity for undressing and doing dirty things?
He takes credit for the work of his elf slaves. They make all the toys while he sits around, hand in pants, swilling Old Crow looking into peoples’ homes with his extra strength telescope. I’ll bet he doesn’t even shower or wash his “Santa Suit” for most of the year.
He probably beats his wife-why else would she hang around this pervert in a place as inhospitable as the North Pole? Speaking of the NP, what better place to set up shop and ensure low employee turnover? Too cold to run away. Plus, there is nothing to do all year long except slave away at making toys and babies (aka-future employees).
A bowlful of jello? Of course he’s a big fat tub of goo. He doesn’t do a dang thing all year (except the above mentioned atrocities) until the night before Christmas. Then he capitalizes on the birth of Christ (and peoples’ greediness) and goes around distributing the efforts of his slaves’ hard work. In reward for being a lazy slob, he gets to fill his burgeoning gut on the goodies left for him!
Santa is a slave driving, perverted man, possibly into spousal abuse and child porn. A peeping tom at the least. Perhaps he is also the head of the largest most influential militia in history. Who knows what they are really doing up there, but Santa (rearrange the words and you get Satan) controls the minds of millions. That is terrifying.
Somebody let Bush know. Santa/Satan may have weapons of mass destruction. At the least, we need to invade for the sake of his slaves/prisoners and poor Mrs. Clause, who are unable to speak for themselves. We also have to do it to protect ourselves and our children! We have let him control us for too long! Who knows what evil plans his twisted frost covered mind has constructed! We must act!
I'll bet we can find some oil up there?
Shoot me now. Please